The Clairvoyants Read online

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  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  My gratitude begins with my family—storytellers all, who contributed to the mythic landscape of my childhood, a place from which I’ve drawn my own stories. I am indebted to my late uncle, Christopher Nicholas Brown, for poems that shaped my writing life, especially the elegies for my grandfather, the lightning rod man: “… sharp eyes of Lyme fishermen / and North Bloomfield growers / knew the talk of his toned nonsense / that electricity was life / that after rain / the grass was so green blistering because of static / in the air.” I owe inspiration, friendship, and thanks to Valerie Wilson, who first told me about Pine Grove Spiritualist Camp, and Susan Wolf Johnson, who graciously read this book’s convoluted first draft and offered encouragement. Thank you to everyone at Henry Holt, especially Barbara Jones, gifted editor, who inspires me to be a better writer, line by line. To Samantha Shea, I owe my deepest gratitude. Her patience, direction, and tireless reading of this book’s many versions gave me a reason to keep writing it.

  And he will find them divisible into two great classes—those whom we call the living, and those others, most of them infinitely more alive, whom we so foolishly misname the dead.

  —C. W. Leadbeater, Clairvoyance, 1899

  She is young—dark hair, blue eyes, lashes long and dark, spangled with frost. Her skin the only brightness in the small, dim space. She lies on a narrow bed. Above it are shelves of aluminum pots and pans—their finish worn away from years of use. Dollar Store pots. The kind we played with in the sandbox at the awful nursery school when we were small. Some of them dented. Alongside those, a box of matches, and a lantern smelling of kerosene, a tin of deviled ham, a rusted can of green beans, a moth-eaten bag of clothespins. Amber-colored light seeps through a curtained window into a galley-like space—a small counter, a stove, a tiny booth like a restaurant, and a rod hung across one end that holds tattered clothing slipping from metal hangers. Beyond the curtains, a snow-covered vista, the sun very low behind shaggy pines. Ferns of ice etch the inside of the window. The girl must be very cold without any clothes. Her limbs lie fixed—one arm across her breasts, the other thrown out like an actress about to take a bow. Somewhere, girls her age awaken in giddy expectation of Valentine’s Day roses and heart pendants and dinners out with their boyfriends at places with white tablecloths. She stares at a point beyond the ceiling. Come here, she says.

  1

  I was named after my great-aunt, a nun I first saw in my grandfather’s barn on my seventh birthday. The barn was in Connecticut, where I’d grown up, and Auntie Sister sat in her black habit on a bale of hay in a shaft of sunlight. Pieces of her dark hair snuck out of her wimple. I knew her from the photograph my grandmother kept in her living room—Sister’s pretty face framed by her coif, her head tilted to one side, her eyes laughing. My grandmother had two older sisters, Martha Mary, destined for the convent, and Rose, who would languish in the old Fairfield State Hospital in Newtown.

  For my birthday, I’d spent the night with my grandparents, their house placed at the edge of my grandfather’s thirty acres—land bordered by the Mile Creek Club golf course, Long Island Sound, and the woods where the Spiritualists by the Sea had their camp—a handful of seasonal cottages and a temple. That evening, as I sat with my grandparents on the back terrace, my grandfather had cocked his head at the drifting notes of their organ.

  “That’s the sound you hear on the astral plane,” he’d said.

  The smoke from my grandfather’s cigarette rose over the privet hedges and swirled off toward the water. “I hear it,” I’d said, though the sound had faded. My grandmother pushed back her chair, the metal feet scraping against the slate. She took me by the hand and told me it was time for bed.

  My overnight visit was a rare treat away from my three sisters. I didn’t know why I’d been singled out this way—none of my sisters ever were. Unaccustomed to the quiet—the absence of arguing, of Leanne’s music, and of Sarah banging through drawers, slamming her closet doors, complaining about not having anything to wear—I’d spent a fitful night on the high guest bed, which had a horse-hair mattress, an acorn bedpost, a history of bodies stretched out in sleep, or sex, or death. And in the morning I awoke before my grandparents. The house was cold, and the light at the bedroom window was like rose-tinged water. I did what I often did at home when I awoke before anyone else—I crept into rooms in the house and rummaged through drawers and cabinets—and I discovered in the bottom drawer of my grandmother’s breakfront a child’s white, leather-covered missal. It had gilt-edged pages, a silk ribbon bookmark, and colored illustrations—Jesus in all of them, a golden half-moon floating over his head. On the flyleaf Sister had penciled our name in cursive. I’d slipped the missal into my little overnight suitcase. I didn’t think to ask my grandmother if I could have it. Once I’d asked for a ruby brooch I’d found in her jewelry box, and she’d told me no.

  I’d never gone into the barn by myself before, but that morning my grandparents sent me off to play and, not used to playing alone, I had wandered along the pebbled drive, missing my little sister, Del. We were only a year apart and did everything together. Del was my mother’s favorite—blond and pretty—and perceptive enough to try to include me when she saw she was getting more attention. If my mother noted how many flowers Del had picked, Del would pipe up: “But Martha chose the prettier ones!” Sometimes I was grateful for her allegiance; other times I resented it and found her disingenuous. Still, my mother thought Del was smarter, and it served me to let her think it.

  That dull morning I walked the hedges’ perimeter, hoping to hear the Spiritualists’ organ so that I might report back to my grandfather. I’d gathered a handful of the white pebbles from the drive, and I was dropping them in the grass, leaving a trail Del would have pretended to follow, falling into the game. “Oh, look at this path of pebbles? Where will it lead?”

  But Del was at home, coloring in our book, taking the pages I’d saved for myself. We lived at that time in a ranch house our father had bought for our mother, in a new suburb ten miles away, one we would vacate a year later when they divorced and our mother moved us into our grandparents’ house for good. I reached the barn and passed through the wide, open doorway. The eaves ascended high above me, and barn swallows darted in and out of the shadow and sunlight, sounding their little cheeps and churees of alarm. Somewhere inside the vast barn were the animals my grandfather kept—sheep, goats, a cow, and a horse. I sensed their shuffling and smelled the feed and the dense, almost cloying scent of manure. I saw Sister, and I waited nearby for her to notice me. I thought she might be praying.

  The interior of the barn was cool and peaceful, as I knew all churches to be. My mother took us regularly to Mass at the old Sacred Heart, where the pews smelled of polished pine, and the statuary of Joseph and Mary gazed smooth-faced and pitying. We dipped the tips of our fingers in holy water. The priest came swinging the censer. The little bells ushered i
n a deep, encompassing silence.

  In the barn, I held my breath, waiting.

  Sister’s bale of hay topped a small stack near my grandfather’s workbench, his mill, the coiled copper wire, and the copper lightning rods stacked in worn, oily boxes. The chill of the damp stone floor rose through the soles of my sneakers. At no time did Sister speak to me or offer any message about what was to come. I wish to this day that she had. She kept her head bowed, her eyes on her hands folded in her lap. Had she discovered my theft? Was she there to confront me and demand the missal back? Her veil fluttered, and she raised her head. Fearing her accusation, I fled outside, down the white pebbled drive to where my grandparents sat in woven wire patio chairs. Behind them the house’s long porch trim was lacey cutouts, and to their left, beyond the privet hedge, the inground pool shimmered in the morning sunlight. I slid my hand into my grandmother’s, and she held it in her lap’s gabardine folds and patted it while they talked and had their coffee, the spiral of the steam shrouding their faces as they raised their cups.

  Later, my family arrived—Leanne and Sarah, Del and my parents. Leanne and Sarah were jealous that I’d spent the night, and they refused to speak to me. Del put her hand in mine; she’d missed me, as I’d missed her. There was a cake and the seven candles I wished on and blew out. I waited in apprehension for Sister to emerge from the barn and join us, but she did not. I would eventually learn that in 1962, driving back to the convent upstate with three other sisters after a convention of the American Benedictine Academy, Sister had been in an accident. A blowing veil, perhaps, had obscured the driver’s vision, and they’d all died on the New York State Thruway, many years before I saw her sitting in the sunlight in my grandfather’s barn. This explained her smooth, youthful face when my grandmother’s was creped and sagging, the outdated serge habit. It did not explain how I saw her, but I never questioned what most people might. A door had opened and I had left it open and maybe because of that, things happened the way they did. That was all I knew, and as a child all I cared to know.

  2

  On the day my mother deposited me in Ithaca, New York, to attend the university, I thought of Sister. I was leaving behind my home—leaving Del. In many ways I was happy to go. Why spend your life scrabbling at the sad bits of the past? There were things I would be glad to be free of, though I remained doubtful that freedom would ever really be mine. We drove, mostly in silence, past the lonely towns lining the Delaware River, the abandoned farmland along potholed Route 17. We drove through a gentle summer rain, and the grass seemed to glow with phosphorescence, like a radioactive charge, an anomaly of the sun dampening the gray sky with color.

  “Look at the pretty hills,” my mother said.

  She had dressed that morning in a pressed, white, sleeveless blouse, her trademark Lilly Pulitzer skirt, a pink cotton sweater thrown over her shoulders. The Cadillac’s air-conditioning kept the car’s interior at seventy-two degrees, but every so often I would depress my window’s button, claiming I needed to breathe, and the humid air would blow through the car, and my mother would raise a slender hand to her hair to hold it in place, and flatten her lips in irritation.

  “Is this the highway where Auntie Sister died?” I said.

  I had dreamed of the nuns driving in a sky-blue sedan with the windows down and the bright sun on the hood. The air on their faces was cool and smelled of cut grass. It caught in their wimples, invaded the seams, and soothed their scalps. Their habits flapped.

  “I don’t know,” my mother said, her voice taking that curious tone I’d lately noticed when she spoke to me.

  “Do you think they had the radio on?” I said. “Del always said they were listening to ‘Kisses Sweeter Than Wine.’”

  I hummed a few bars of the song. They were young women, wedded to God. Their mouths opened and drank in the sun and the wind. Under the black fabric their bodies surged in secret, betraying their vows. I used to pretend being pinioned in that faith, in the rules of their order. I’d feel my heart drawn out in wild longing with the words: devotion, ecstasy, rapture, and betrothal. Lately, I’d come to doubt I would ever find that sort of love.

  I sang the chorus of the song out loud. My mother tightened her hands on the wheel. Then she reached out and turned on the radio so I might sing something else.

  It was the end of August, only days before classes would begin. I’d spent the last two years commuting to classes part-time at Wesleyan, what must have seemed to my mother an aimless existence, the only one of her four daughters living at home. Leanne and Sarah had stumbled upon useful and regular lives. They had graduated from college, and Leanne was engaged and working at an advertising firm in New Haven, and Sarah had married and was already pregnant and had moved into a colonial house on a cul-de-sac in Stonington, and I pictured my older sisters’ children, those destined to be born, growing up with toys we had when we were young—those Fisher-Price farms and airplanes and houses with miniature, limbless people and animals. They’d read their children the same books our mother had read to us—Sendak’s Nutshell Library, and the Little Golden Books’ The Color Kittens. They’d fulfill the promise of womanhood, slipping on their new responsibilities like pretty dresses—the traditions at the holidays, the joys of cooking and child rearing—and, unlike me, forget they were once unhappy teenagers.

  My grandfather had died when I was eleven, and my grandmother had recently moved into Essex Meadows, a retirement community where she might be less alone, and free of her old house and its attendant memories. I supposed she’d wanted to force us all out by leaving, but my mother and I stayed—the two of us holdouts, believing that as long as we stayed, we were safe. But the old house, surrounded by its privet hedges and by Long Island Sound’s wide, gray presence, provided only a semblance of privacy. Since Detective Thomson had paid us another visit, my mother had become even more distracted, distant, and I noted her relief when I agreed to move away to attend school.

  Though it had been five years, the murder of David Pinney, a local teenager, remained unsolved, the case open, and every so often detectives visited, and we were questioned yet again, my mother’s blanched face reflecting her irritation. I was summoned downstairs and asked to recall my memories of that summer—a time so far removed, and about which I’d talked so often, that my story seemed stolen from someone else’s memory. Detective Thomson had graying hair and only half a pointer finger on one hand. Once I’d asked him if he’d had a bit of bad luck in shop class, and he’d smiled.

  “Something like that,” he’d said.

  His missing digit intrigued me, and through the years we’d developed a loose sort of banter. “Did an evil witch demand it?” I’d asked, or “Were you held for ransom?” until my mother told me to stop.

  This last time he came, I’d told him I felt like Cinderella, let out of the garret room to slide my foot into the proffered slipper.

  “Does your mother keep you away from other people?” he’d asked me, leaning in, the buttons of his dress shirt straining.

  My mother had been getting him a cup of coffee in the kitchen, and I’d almost considered playing along, whispering that I was a prisoner in my room just to see his expression, but then she came in with the cup on a saucer, and the look on her face—alarm, caution—prevented me from doing so.

  Now my mother gripped the wheel of the car with white hands, and I sensed she wanted to get me to the school as quickly as possible before I changed my mind.

  My great-grandfather had been an alumnus of the university where we were headed, a student of avian biology. Owing to his becoming someone famous in the field, and to the “enigmatic” quality of my photography portfolio, I’d been accepted as a transfer student. Years before, I had discovered my great-grandfather’s notebooks in my grandparents’ attic and had been intrigued—drawings on yellowed paper of various species of birds, with labeled coverts and scapulars and crowns. Among these drawings were others—landscapes that included figures standing at a remove, at the edge
of a field, or a wood, their faces bearing the worrisome expression soon to become familiar to me—that of someone lost or forsaken. Along with the drawings were two slim, hardbound manuals—well-worn and filled with his penciled marginalia. They were published in 1907 by the Theosophical Society in Point Loma, California—Psychometry, Clairvoyance, and Thought-Transference, and Psychism, Ghostology, and the Astral Plane—both penned by “A Student.”

  It had been my great-grandfather who first leased the land to the Spiritualists by the Sea. In the late 1890s they’d arrived in wagons and pitched tents on the property. My grandfather had allowed them to expand, to build the temple and the cottages along the cart paths. What other relationship he’d had with the group remained obscure. We were cautioned as children to leave the Spiritualists alone, and I sensed that whatever they did in the camp was taboo. Every summer, we’d hear the organ’s notes climb over the trees, signaling the start of their season, and we knew to stay away from that part of the woods.

  By the time the dead began to appear to me again, at fifteen, I’d long been familiar with the manuals and the drawings. Cindy Berger, freckled, nervous, dead two years from leukemia, was the first. She appeared beside my grandparents’ privet hedge, by the path to the pool. I saw Mrs. Harrington, my junior high school art teacher and a victim of spousal abuse, wearing her trademark silk scarf knotted around her neck, in the soup aisle at the Big Y supermarket. The old drunk, Waldo, found dead on the railroad tracks when I was twelve, appeared by the Mile Creek Beach Club gate on a summer afternoon. I didn’t recognize some of the dead, but I soon learned not to startle at their arrival, to predict their appearance by the way the light seemed to waver and fold. I could distinguish them from the living by the way they stared at me, their expressions anxious and filled with longing, as if their appearances had been conjured by the despair of a lost love and the possibility of connection that only I might give. Their expressions compelled me to do this one thing for them, yet I refused. I continually let them down, believing they would catch on soon enough and leave me alone.